So, a friend of mine said something that really sunk in to me, “You need to balance out yourself and your relationship”. I’ve been told this before, and sometimes I’ve come to the conclusion myself, and I try to revisit things that I get enjoyment out of such as, writing. I don’t know how many blog sites I have attempted to create, how many fitness journeys I begin then end because, things suddenly start to go my way. This could be another one of those attempts, but honestly I truly think it has finally hit me.
You see, this “friend” I use the term lightly because it’s a budding friendship, we still barely know one another, that is why for them to have no idea who I am as a person, but to still be able to see that I am all about my boyfriend, is such an embarrassment. Have any of you ever been so obsessed with an individual person, and perhaps even obsessed with a certain situation that you lose sight of yourself and detach from reality? Seriously, I am asking, it’s not rhetoric, I want to know. Because, let me tell you, I have quit several jobs because I was too sad about him to get out of bed. I have self harmed because “why am i not his first choice like he is mine?”. I have moved a state away to make him realize “hey I actually do love and care for this women and now it is too late”. Granted I moved back to the same state he was in and….yup, the same situation occurs.
See, it’s not his fault, because whatever this obsessive behavior is, it’s living inside of me. He’s not egging it on, it’s me. And trust me guys, it’s not an enjoyable feeling to be all consumed with one person. Literally, ALL CONSUMED. My every thought is “why isn’t he giving me enough attention?”. It’s disgusting.
But, seriously, I think I am ready to find me. This doesn’t mean I’m breaking up with him, because he’s a good guy and it’s a good relationship, it has potential to be a great one, but only if it’s healthy. I need to find out what is crazy to expect and what is realistic, because I refuse to believe all the short comings fall on me. But the whole point of this is that, there was a me before him…or actually maybe there was never a me and that’s the issue. But I’m about to discover her, and as I do I want to be open about it, and take you on my journey.